Archive: July, 2018

Fish Keeps!

Most of yesterday afternoon I was composing an 80s hard rock ballad about frozen fish in my head.

FISH KEEPS!
IT’S SO DEEP
IT’S WAKING ME IN MY SLEEP
THIS WEEK
IT’S SO CHEAP
WOAH OH!

It’d resemble Love Bites by Def Leppard to some extent. There might be a young lady with big hair draping herself over a particularly expensive-looking fridge-freezer in the video. The fridge door opens briefly to gush out dry ice.

Superimposed over this, an expert from the fishing industry raps a list of all of the available types of fish, while the mulletted (sic) lead singer wails IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY, BABY! and similar contentless emotives.

After the guitar solo, the singer holds the word FISH for a really long time, perhaps concluded by a drum fill in the style of In The Air Tonight, before he adds KEEPS to emphasise that frozen fish can be kept for a really long time if you have a decent freezer, and not just overnight or whatever.

Oh yeah, and during the fade out there’s a whole verse with all of the lyrics replaced with WOAH OH!

WOAH OH!
WOAH OH!
WOAH OH OH-OH OH OH
WOAH OH!
WOAH OH!
WOAH OH!

Anyway, this is how far I am going in avoiding doing more cheap political updates today.

Nom de Guerre

Sometimes I say to myself: “hey Zali!” Which is pretty unnecessary because there’s not actually anyone else inside my head who I need to address.

Sure, I try to mix it up a bit. Occasionally, I go with “KRISHNAAAAAA!” if I’m about to suggest something *really kerazay* or I might even use the formal “Zali Jean” if I am about to issue a reprimand.

And yes, then there’s The Other Name that occasionally needs to be evoked, but I can’t tell you about that one because the power that it would allow you to wield could destroy all of us. Seriously, you use that one casually and you can fling around out of town branches of Sports Direct like they were golf balls. I know you’ll tell me that you’d only use that power for good but what if it got into the wrong hands, eh?

Tectonic plates flapping around like slices of ham.

Anyway, sometimes I say to myself, “hey Zali, are we going to get to the point of this update any time soon?”

I don’t bother to answer because obvi.